what is it that you are not telling me? there is something.... i don't want another previous situation back in my life....i am finally living... finally happy.... please be as honest as your heart can be... that's all i ask from you.. do not melt my heart only to stone it all over again...
i don't remember asking much from you, all i ask for is total transparency, i don't know if you are giving me that but believe me my heart wants to go on without a doubt...
i know this is the best moments..... i know, my heart knows, but my overwhelming feeling of knowing something is not right is taking over me....
i need a solace from all this madness....
i need a holiday... been asking for one for months now..
maybe then i can actually sit back and relax and enjoy this moments....
can my head just stop thinking..... a least for 30 seconds....
why is it so difficult to believe that you make me the happiest....
your imperfections seems so small....
loving it is the name of the game.....
Its happening all over again and i am not sure i am liking it. it took me a year to get back to my normal ways, am i sure i want to do it again? why am i not enjoying this moment?
maybe i should just stop and smell the polluted air before i jump into unwanted conclusions.
but how do i be normal especially when the past still hurts?
i think i THINK too much
maybe I'm just PARANOID..
CURVES or NO CURVES....
My MOTIVATIOn is dying out....
you made me HAPPY....
the DATeline is sooo near....(i think)
I can embrace myself, hold my own hand, love me - but I can't gaze into my own eyes and feel my own soul lift me up.....
I'm confused beyond words....
am i over you or still into you?... we fell in love under ridiculous circumstances. what we had is what people call foolish, utterly dumb. but deep down you know and i know the feelings we shared for each other. we refused to succumb to what the world thought of us initially, but as time goes by u cant help but think, what if what they are saying is true?
yet, you didn't let me give up. you convinced me that what we had is not normal but we can make it work.
i have never met you, yet i feel like i know you , i have never heard your voice, yet i can hear u whispering in my ear every night, i have never hold you, yet i can feel you.
you were never my fling. i really really loved you.you were just what i needed and what i have asked for. intelligent, cute, extraordinary, unconventional and serious almost like a father figure.
it gets lonely sometimes, suffocating, i drown in my own sorrows, i need you. i want you. everytime i think of you, i just want you back. ill never love another like how i loved you. you touch my heart, my soul. you cared. you listened, you loved with all your heart.
its been months. why am i still in love with you? isn't the feelings suppose to subside by now? everytime i think im over you, after a few seconds i realise I'm not.
why do i search for you in every guy i meet? even a slight glimpse of your personality would make me happy.
i miss you more than you know!
no one i met comes close to you. you came into my life when i was down and broken. nothing was making sense anymore. you helped me to put back the pieces together.you thought me to appreciate what i have. to see life in a different light.
how do i let go off you? how do i let go of the memories? how do i let go of what we had?
i often ask myself, were you a blessing or a curse?
honestly, i don't know...
your both i guess....... but definatly more of a blessing...
a blessing because you opened my heart to the beautiful feeling of being in love. you made my cluttered world seem beautiful. you never gave up on me no matter how much i push you away. at the time when my own gave up on me, you came in my life and held me close as if im your baby and told me you will always have my back no matter what and you will take care of me. that promise kept me going.
a curse because you opened my heart to the feeling of being in love. Now i want it, i crave for it, ill do anything to feel it again but I'm scared. this feeling is addictive. its like a drug that will pull you in deeper and deeper until there is no way out.
i love you but i hate you. i love you because of who you are and i hate you for being what you are....
all i can say for now is that, thank you for being the best. thank you for my best friend, thank you for being my confidante, thank you for loving me more than i could love you.
thank you for changing my world forever..
in my heart, i know ill meet you one day. :)
You know that thing when you see someone cute and he smiles and your heart kind of goes like warm butter sliding down hot toast? Well that's what it's like when I see a store. Only it's better.
think its the man i am referring to?, i have got news for you,
its not!
its about a problem i have been having for a while now. I'm going through a phrase of complete and utter denial of my financial state. I am a self confessed but not ashamed of it shopaholic! I'm addicted to anything that makes me look and feel good...
isn't every girl?
yes! but i can seem to control mine and its taking a toll on my bank balance...
i don't know how do i stop it?
I'm not sure in my sick head i would want too also..m enjoying it! this blissful feeling of getting something that u don't really need, its just very settling.
its like there is mall demon who take over me when I'm shopping, i cant remember a thing and the only time i come to senses is when its time to hand in the cash.. then it hits me.... what am i doing? i look up at the cashiers face forcing a fake forced smile, plotting my exit,i look left and right finding the easiest way out..and as I'm about to turn to escape; i realise itsssss tooo latee, his waiting for the money with a now almost gonna burst smile....
Live in my head and u will know how complicated it is..
i have two addiction....
one i want to get rid so badly another one i am forced to get rid until a tycoon finds me, falls in love,and we walk into the sunset together....
back to reality sheetal!
The food part somehow in someway I'm accepting it and working on it,but man the shopping part...hmmmmmmm....
Its always been like that for me.... do something that people forbid you to do.i love the thrill, the pull in the heart, the rush i get just to do something i'm not allowed to...
maybe i should start chewing gum, or read up about bugs, or find out how many teeth a crocodile has just to keep my mind off shopping...
piece of advice... do not rely on self help books to help you..it really doesn't work. it actually got me to go forever 21 and get a beautiful black dress for myself.....
Window shopping is never an option for me.. i would eventually reach out the window and touch the item... so thats out!
i need to keep away from malls..period!
i need rehab people! complete isolation from the retail world....
think wanna learn to play the flute....
the government should come up with a new rule. every month all the girls would get subsidiary allowance to buy CLOTHES!
in my ideal world which i live in half the time... the government pays us to look good...hey come on think about it.... we are setting a good image for the tourist...that will flourish our economy... maybe just maybe someone gotta suggest to the government, maybe it can be me!
there I go again...living in my fantasy world.......
last night the family decided we would as a loving family would go out for dinner together for some bonding time... off we went to gourmet terrace our favorite restaurant.. im quite convinced that we are contrbuting almost half of their profits there..thts how often we actually go.
Anyways, thats not my point.... my point is, i enjoy family dinners epecially when its only the four of us. the chemistry between us is just so overwhelming. But yesterday something was amiss,at least for me.. we laughed, we joked, the talked,we discussed but something was not right. it was right there and then it hit me..... in 2 months it will not be the 4 of us anymore. Gurmin, my sister is leaving to australia. time is flying even sooner than i thought before you know it, she will be gone.
how am i gonna live without her. my best friend,my confidant,my sister,my teacher,my mentor,my guardian angel, my mum,my life...
we fight, we disagree with everything, we have contradicting views, we are diffrent people but our hearts belongs t each other. today as i am sitting here at work, i regret all those times where is wasted my time iriating her,making her angry...i wish i could just turn back time and give her all the happiness she deserves and much more.
i find it much easier to write my feelings rather than saying it. this are my thoughts which i never knew i had, its not from my head but from my heart...
how do i tell her not to go?
am i being to selfish?
yes i am..
But isnt that part of human nature?
to never detach yourself from something that brings you so much of joy... i guess i have to let go.
all my life people have been walking in and out of it, but she stayed, she forgived me for all my sillyness along the years. she always had my back.even at the worse times, i always knew she would be there...
i guess i fear that she would forget me, she would find new people to hang out with, she would just drift away like how the others did.....
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