The Age of innocence….

the whole day today there is absolutely only one thing bugging me….. I need to do something about my social life. I need to buck It up because anyone who knows me, most defo know im no homebodyi like my socializing… my flirting, my fake accent( no I dt have a confidence problem, its just part of my alter ego… Zoe)

I miss those days where I use to strout my stuff while walking into the club and pretending to not notice hundreds of eyes popping out at the sight of me….. ahhhhhhh… the good old days….

but wait a minute…. im not dead so there is A chance I can get all this back rite?

its just something about the stares, the cheeky smiles, the wanting- to-talk-to-u-but-am-intimidated feeling that a man gives u that actually makes your day…maybe I was young at that point of time… maybe it was all fun and games… maybe its time to get serious and find the right one…

the one thing that you come to realize as the age catches up…. its not as fun as it use to be… you stop wanting a million eyes glaring at you but you would just want that one special one to just look at you and tell u how beautiful you are…

the blardyyyy side effects of growing up…..

LOvEY DoVEy

until i don't find the man i want to marry i am going to stay single. come what may even hugh jackman is not gonna shake me( ok maybe a Lil :P) but i am adamant!a relationship is hard work.... unless you not prepared to give your whole self... don't bother giving anything at all...
only falling in love could give you so much of heartbreak. only falling in love could teach u to forgive over and over again, only falling in love could give you so much of self fulfillment. and once you feel all this.... its so difficult to turn back... sigh....
but this feelings have to be felt with an open heart... a healed heart and not a broken heart.
when u fall in love you lose yourself, u become a whole different being. something else takes over you. suddenly there is a fear... a fear of losing, a fear of something bigger than you that's going to come and take away what we have got. its good to have fear, it keeps us on our toes.
but then again there is a thin line between fear and insecurity.... i think at a certain point we all cross that line....

it comes with loving someone... its a fear of losing..... <3

Jury Duty...

Am i really as perfect as i think i am or am i just saying that to make myself feel better.
yes she may have the poise, the classiness the etiquette of a lady which i lack but is that what life is really all about?
life in my two cents is being over the edge, loud, laughter, messiness. drama, friends, family, eccentric, that sums up what life is in my words.

i could be all womanly and be proper..... but who the hell are u trying to impress?
i guess carrie bradshaw is right... there are some woman in this world that are made just to make us feel bad of ourself.

im never gonna apologize for being who i am.
life is too short to be wasted on impressing the masses.
take me for what i am..... not the idea of what i could be in your head.
fine im not mummy material. but i have enough culture, enough respect, for me to keep everyone happy.

your outer look does not determine whats in your heart. and it never will.

a saree clad girl can be as deceiving as any girl with a short skirt. so why this double standards?

is living your life in your own terms means that your free to be judged by anyone or everyone? is it worth the misery?

live life king size..... do not compromise your believe but bend the rules a little once in a while. give yourself a pat... wake up.... face the real world... and let yourself to feel alive again.
do not live in this facade just to satisfy the barking dogs.
ill bend the rules and show them that we can be good daughters, sisters, wife and daughter in law and mother too.

i am on a chetan bhagat high right now. :) why? in 2 weeks i have grinded 3 of his books. i have to say i am presently suprise by his writting. his books a are fun, crazy. disfunctional with a deep underlying message. i have to say its been ages since i read a book and laughed at the humour of it. 2 states made me smile with its simplicity. bhagat s book raise the topic of
WhATs the BIG DEAL with inter racial marriage?
why the big hooo haaa? when two people already love each other i think they already know what they are getting into..... so why all this sudden interference from parents, aunties, uncles, grand parents, great grandparents?
i personally think parents should only remind the kids and not order them that it will be difficult.
im not condoning inter racial LOVE nor am i condemning it but i am a strong believer in do what makes your heart happy.
but at the end of the day... u cant blame the parents for feeling what they feel.

BUT...

in the words of the beautiful Dalai Lama.....

The Religion OF thE world Is HUMANITY...

everyone should start leaning that and all Shall be Well........ almost..... fingers crossed.... ;)

yet again im back to feeling lonely.....

this familiar feeling...makes me just wanna well up and cry...

why fight ur way through when u know u were gonna leave?...

im not as strong as you think..

my heart is numb..... i cant feel anything...

i try to smile..... fake as it may be...

i tried my best.... maybe it was just not meant to be...

but why must it hurt so much?

There is only one happiness in life: to love and be loved.
~ by George Sand ~

journey....

im sorry...
my insecurities takes over me...
i don't want you to leave... i want you here... right here... by my side...
i don't say it..... but that's my only wish...
day after day i find my self loving even more...
how can i stop my self from self destructing??
life has been reduced to loving you....
you are my solace...
u make sense...
your permanent.... but why doesn't my heart want to believe it?
maybe because i have loved and lost so many times....
please forgive me for being me....
my insecurities takes over me...
im sorry....... :(

:) :)

Don't frown because you never know who is falling in love with your smile.

The Heart....

what is it that you are not telling me? there is something.... i don't want another previous situation back in my life....i am finally living... finally happy.... please be as honest as your heart can be... that's all i ask from you.. do not melt my heart only to stone it all over again...
i don't remember asking much from you, all i ask for is total transparency, i don't know if you are giving me that but believe me my heart wants to go on without a doubt...
i know this is the best moments..... i know, my heart knows, but my overwhelming feeling of knowing something is not right is taking over me....
i need a solace from all this madness....
i need a holiday... been asking for one for months now..
maybe then i can actually sit back and relax and enjoy this moments....
can my head just stop thinking..... a least for 30 seconds....
why is it so difficult to believe that you make me the happiest....
your imperfections seems so small....
loving it is the name of the game.....

round and round....

Its happening all over again and i am not sure i am liking it. it took me a year to get back to my normal ways, am i sure i want to do it again? why am i not enjoying this moment?
maybe i should just stop and smell the polluted air before i jump into unwanted conclusions.
but how do i be normal especially when the past still hurts?

This made sense....

Sometimes people come into your life and you know right away that they weremeant to be there.

To serve some sort of purpose, teach you a lesson orhelp figure out who you are or who you want to become.

You never know who these people may be but when you lock eyes with them, youknow that very moment that they will affect your life in some profound way.

And sometimes things happen to you at the time that may seem horrible,painful and unfair, but in reflection you realize that without overcomingthose obstacles you would have never realized your potential, strength, willpower or heart.

Everything happens for a reason. Nothing happens by chance or by means ofgood luck.

Illness, injury, love, lost moments of true greatness and sheerstupidity all occur to test the limits of your soul.

Without these smalltests, life would be like a smoothly paved, straight, flat road to nowhere.

Safe and comfortable but dull and utterly pointless.

The people you meet affect your life.

The successes and downfalls that youexperience can create who you are, and the bad experiences can be learnedfrom.

In fact, they are probably the most poignant and important ones.

If someone hurts you, betrays you or breaks your heart, forgive them becausethey have helped you learn about trust and the importance of being cautiousto whom you open your heart.

If someone loves you, love them back unconditionally, not only because theylove you, but because they are teaching you to love and to open your heartand eyes to little things.

Make every day count.Appreciate every moment and take from it everything that you possibly can,for you may never be able to experience it again.

Talk to people you have never talked to before, and actually listen.

Letyourself fall in love, break free and set your sights high.

Hold your head up because you have every right to.

Tell yourself you are agreat individual and believe in yourself, for if you don't believe inyourself, no one else will believe in you. Create your own life and then goout and live it.

"If you take your eyes off your goals, all you see are obstacles."

Law of attraction..

we are what we think.... happy thoughts translates to happy results and sad thoughts results to sad outcomes.... there is no escaping that. was doing some sprituality reading just now when i came across an article by Dr Martha beck. she said " list down a list of qualities you want in your dream partner and the universe will manifest it for you".

this sounds intresting... i want to try this...

so universe gear up.... u have some serious searching to do this week... :)

now lets start with my list... the proper way is to write but..... who really cares innit?

list down the qualities you want in your dream guy....

1) intelligent( can hold a conversation about anything)

2)humble

3)good sense of humour(i love to laugh)

4)reader

5)unconventional

6)not ordinary

7)love me and adore me

8)baby me all the time(cause i love to be babied)

9)live life to the fullest

10)has a nice family

11)love my family as his own

12)good job

13) someone i can learn from

14)murder on the dance floor

15)takes care of me

16)dresses well

17)makes my complicated head a beautiful place to be in

18)fills my lonely world with happiness

19) romantic

OK, I'm giving the universe a week. im ready to meet this guy..... stupid cupid.... aim Ur arrow right because sheetal walia is all ready to be smitten by prince charming! :)

my Clutter....

i think i THINK too much


maybe I'm just PARANOID..


CURVES or NO CURVES....


My MOTIVATIOn is dying out....


you made me HAPPY....



the DATeline is sooo near....(i think)

NEEd a new job...

cant stop thinking of YOU.....


WHAT if.. WHAt if....


Sigh!!


i gotta get a life... oh wait! i have one!......




I'M nt Hungry BUt wanna EAT........








what ever happen to being just FRIENDS......




Cant A girl JUst have FUN?...




AM i too Emotionally attached?.....




i got to get a HOLD of MYSELf...



rethink my STRATEGY.....




gotta get my EYE CHECKED...




cant afford a specialist..... :)




When are YOU coming??


I'm actually tired of waiting.......



IT GEts lonely At times..




i DONT wanna live in my HEAD...




I hate YOU....




NO i dont....




i MISS my STranGERS....




I MISS old times...




NEED to FINish UP the lAst lecture.....




FLING FLING FLING....



YES NO yES NO........





Need TO learn to DETACHED...




wanna learn POLE DANCING....












plan a day out with GUL....


MEET Nadia and the GanG....


CLEAN room.....arghhhhhhhhhhhh!


I'm aDRAMA queen....



SHOrt list COLLEGES.....


LOA.......


I want A BIRTHDAY party.......






why is there so much of DOUBLE STANDARDs??.....


BUM BUM BUM.....


Fairy tale romance.... Does it exist??






all i wanna do is LIE IN BED.....









FUN FUN FUN...



I have a COnfession to make....




IM gonna HURT you where it hurts the MOst...


u n I KNOW IM good At tht.... :)



UNwanted attention?? EnJOY IT!



PARENTS are OVERRATED...



GUL SAharra KAur walia......:)



i need a PUNCHING BAG....


HOLIDAY!!!!.....



gotta start SAVING.....



GYm is aCTually fun....


it has done wonders for my SOCIAL life..... :)








i wanna watch a MOVIE.....but.... its not gonna be the same anymore..... :) :)








DA DA DA DUM DUM.......

friends with benefits...

would you ever date a friend? someone your so close too? i have my doudts.
life is too short for me not to experience this......

hmmmmmmmmmm........
maybe i should just experience it once and come home and blog about it....

now thats a plan.....

after all this is what a blog is for right? :)

A wAlk To rEMEmBER......

I can embrace myself, hold my own hand, love me - but I can't gaze into my own eyes and feel my own soul lift me up.....


I'm confused beyond words....

am i over you or still into you?... we fell in love under ridiculous circumstances. what we had is what people call foolish, utterly dumb. but deep down you know and i know the feelings we shared for each other. we refused to succumb to what the world thought of us initially, but as time goes by u cant help but think, what if what they are saying is true?

yet, you didn't let me give up. you convinced me that what we had is not normal but we can make it work.

i have never met you, yet i feel like i know you , i have never heard your voice, yet i can hear u whispering in my ear every night, i have never hold you, yet i can feel you.

you were never my fling. i really really loved you.you were just what i needed and what i have asked for. intelligent, cute, extraordinary, unconventional and serious almost like a father figure.

it gets lonely sometimes, suffocating, i drown in my own sorrows, i need you. i want you. everytime i think of you, i just want you back. ill never love another like how i loved you. you touch my heart, my soul. you cared. you listened, you loved with all your heart.

its been months. why am i still in love with you? isn't the feelings suppose to subside by now? everytime i think im over you, after a few seconds i realise I'm not.

why do i search for you in every guy i meet? even a slight glimpse of your personality would make me happy.

i miss you more than you know!

no one i met comes close to you. you came into my life when i was down and broken. nothing was making sense anymore. you helped me to put back the pieces together.you thought me to appreciate what i have. to see life in a different light.

how do i let go off you? how do i let go of the memories? how do i let go of what we had?

i often ask myself, were you a blessing or a curse?

honestly, i don't know...

your both i guess....... but definatly more of a blessing...

a blessing because you opened my heart to the beautiful feeling of being in love. you made my cluttered world seem beautiful. you never gave up on me no matter how much i push you away. at the time when my own gave up on me, you came in my life and held me close as if im your baby and told me you will always have my back no matter what and you will take care of me. that promise kept me going.

a curse because you opened my heart to the feeling of being in love. Now i want it, i crave for it, ill do anything to feel it again but I'm scared. this feeling is addictive. its like a drug that will pull you in deeper and deeper until there is no way out.


i love you but i hate you. i love you because of who you are and i hate you for being what you are....



all i can say for now is that, thank you for being the best. thank you for my best friend, thank you for being my confidante, thank you for loving me more than i could love you.

thank you for changing my world forever..



in my heart, i know ill meet you one day. :)

dirty money..

the more you're not focused on showbiz and instead focused on life, learning about other people, and keeping your eyes open and trying to be aware of the world.

like any normal day, i come in to work, start surfing through all my favorite websites, facebook, people.com,in style.com its always a must for me to browse through Oprah.com. like any other day, nothing was new, same old same old, suddenly.... something warant my attention. Oprah, someone i had looked up to from 10 years old was about to interview prostitutes from the Notorious Bunny Ranch Brothel.This is 'bizarre' because you would never think Oprah would actually do a show that was thought of as condoning prostitution.

its not that surprising right? after all its just a brothel and haven't she done shows like that before? her correspondent Lisa Ling, has gone undercover and has done numerous interviews about the growing number of kids becoming prostitutes, how they live and their daily struggle. So why is this show so different? why is this generating negative reviews?

She awakened my curiosity, being her no 1 fan and an avid follower of her, i got to admit i was rather disappointed with her choice of topic for her show.
was she so desperate for ratings that she stop thinking straight?
Why in the world would Oprah record a show on the notorious bunny ranch brothel?
now for those of you who don't know what this brothel is all about and why is it so notorious?, let me fill you in..
Bunny Ranch Brothel was a normal high class brothel in Nevada which generates very good income anually because of their up market customers. It was already famous and was about to get much more famous thanks to Natalie Dylan, a high school graduate who decided to put up her virginity for auction to pay her way through college. her cherry(literally) has been on auction since the past 10 months and till now has generated the highest bidder with the amount of 3.8 million.

That's big amount for someone who is going to use that for college. You would think miss Dylan is one happy woman laughing her way to the bank.. nope. not yet. she wants to continue this auction until the hype dies down.. when will that be? i am not sure if it will ever die down. This type of news only would generate more attention by the day, don't you think?

Again this news got loads of negative press and this auction has not settle well with people,especially woman. Being a woman myself.. I'm thinking what the hell was she thinking but again i know what she was thinking.. she wants to put herself through college, she would do anything to study even if it means selling her body to some rich stranger. maybe we are forgetting something, she is in America and its not known as the land of opportunity for nothing.Bet you, this hype would not die down just like that, according to reports Miss Dylan has been offered a movie deal just by announcing this. 3.8 million and now a movie offer...its just so unfair! make me wanna put up mine! :)

getting back on track, why am i disappointed with Oprah? let me explain....

prostitution is not easy , i admit that, but its not like this girls are forced into it, they are there by choice.Oprah should have known better than to let viewers view more closely into the lives of this prostitutes because unlike other hookers this ones are more well off and they live a happy life due to the good money they make from their customers.
i was watching the show and i was amazed with the coolness surrounding it all. didn't Oprah realise what message she was sending out to teenage girls who watches her show? if i was 15 and i was watching a show on how well a hooker earns and is happy about it wouldn't i get influenced? I would!

i think Oprah should have took the time to sit down and think about the consequences this show would have had on young teenage girls who are suffering from peer pressure,financial problem and low self esteem. they would easily get sucumned into this fairy tale land. being a role model to millions of young girls Oprah has some kind of responsibility towards what is right to be shown and what is not.

I know we are only humans and we make mistakes, but this mistake would have cost us badly. what if this girls really got influenced? this brothels are waiting to lure girls in,especially young girls. I know Natalie Dylan is already doing it and young girls are aware of it but what was not right was that Oprah was talking about it has if it was fine.

I'm not asking for any kind of discrimination against hookers, I'm just saying do not show any signs that you support it because this girls would think its OK to become a prostitute because if Oprah can talk about it has if its like any normal job than it should be OK.

the world is changing,without us realising the media is taking over our life. it influences so much to an extent it can make or break you. that's why they should be very aware of what they are airing and how will it influence the mind of young people today.

Places in the Heart...

A baby will make love stronger, days shorter, nights longer, bankroll smaller, home happier, clothes shabbier, the past forgotten, and the future worth living for...

dear Gul,

This letter is from my heart for you, to thank you for coming in into my life....

thank you baby for your toothless grin
thank you for always making me smile with your antics
thanks you for teaching me something about myself every day
thank you for bringing out the child in me
thank you for letting me to take care of you
thank you for your baby talks that just melts our heart all the time
thank you for being in my life
thank you for accepting me
thank you for letting me to guide you
thank you for bringing out the best in me
thank you for making all of us closer
thank you for forgiving me for my silly mistakes

Gul Saharra Kaur Walia, u will always be my baby girl, i love you so much. more than you could ever know. you exist in a part of me that will never die. you touch my soul, with your laughter, your baby talks, you beautiful face, and your ever enduring smile. i cant imagine life without you.

We have learned so much about you, and we have learned much FROM you.you are a good little teacher, and you have taught us in a way that no teacher can ever do about compassion, perseverance, unconditional love from the heart. you make me a better person everyday. thank you baby for everything you have done for me, for touching my soul.like i always say, i owe you my life so come what may, i will always be there for you no matter what. the joy that you bring into our hearts everyday, no one could ever do that. you have thought me to love unconditionally and i will forever be indepted to you for it.. from the bottom of my heart...
Thank you Gul....

pua.... <3

Mall Rat.....

You know that thing when you see someone cute and he smiles and your heart kind of goes like warm butter sliding down hot toast? Well that's what it's like when I see a store. Only it's better.

think its the man i am referring to?, i have got news for you,
its not!
its about a problem i have been having for a while now. I'm going through a phrase of complete and utter denial of my financial state. I am a self confessed but not ashamed of it shopaholic! I'm addicted to anything that makes me look and feel good...
isn't every girl?
yes! but i can seem to control mine and its taking a toll on my bank balance...
i don't know how do i stop it?
I'm not sure in my sick head i would want too also..m enjoying it! this blissful feeling of getting something that u don't really need, its just very settling.
its like there is mall demon who take over me when I'm shopping, i cant remember a thing and the only time i come to senses is when its time to hand in the cash.. then it hits me.... what am i doing? i look up at the cashiers face forcing a fake forced smile, plotting my exit,i look left and right finding the easiest way out..and as I'm about to turn to escape; i realise itsssss tooo latee, his waiting for the money with a now almost gonna burst smile....
Live in my head and u will know how complicated it is..
i have two addiction....
one i want to get rid so badly another one i am forced to get rid until a tycoon finds me, falls in love,and we walk into the sunset together....
back to reality sheetal!
The food part somehow in someway I'm accepting it and working on it,but man the shopping part...hmmmmmmm....
Its always been like that for me.... do something that people forbid you to do.i love the thrill, the pull in the heart, the rush i get just to do something i'm not allowed to...
maybe i should start chewing gum, or read up about bugs, or find out how many teeth a crocodile has just to keep my mind off shopping...
piece of advice... do not rely on self help books to help you..it really doesn't work. it actually got me to go forever 21 and get a beautiful black dress for myself.....
Window shopping is never an option for me.. i would eventually reach out the window and touch the item... so thats out!
i need to keep away from malls..period!
i need rehab people! complete isolation from the retail world....
think wanna learn to play the flute....
the government should come up with a new rule. every month all the girls would get subsidiary allowance to buy CLOTHES!
in my ideal world which i live in half the time... the government pays us to look good...hey come on think about it.... we are setting a good image for the tourist...that will flourish our economy... maybe just maybe someone gotta suggest to the government, maybe it can be me!

there I go again...living in my fantasy world.......

LiFe or something like tht....

last night the family decided we would as a loving family would go out for dinner together for some bonding time... off we went to gourmet terrace our favorite restaurant.. im quite convinced that we are contrbuting almost half of their profits there..thts how often we actually go.
Anyways, thats not my point.... my point is, i enjoy family dinners epecially when its only the four of us. the chemistry between us is just so overwhelming. But yesterday something was amiss,at least for me.. we laughed, we joked, the talked,we discussed but something was not right. it was right there and then it hit me..... in 2 months it will not be the 4 of us anymore. Gurmin, my sister is leaving to australia. time is flying even sooner than i thought before you know it, she will be gone.
how am i gonna live without her. my best friend,my confidant,my sister,my teacher,my mentor,my guardian angel, my mum,my life...
we fight, we disagree with everything, we have contradicting views, we are diffrent people but our hearts belongs t each other. today as i am sitting here at work, i regret all those times where is wasted my time iriating her,making her angry...i wish i could just turn back time and give her all the happiness she deserves and much more.
i find it much easier to write my feelings rather than saying it. this are my thoughts which i never knew i had, its not from my head but from my heart...
how do i tell her not to go?
am i being to selfish?
yes i am..
But isnt that part of human nature?
to never detach yourself from something that brings you so much of joy... i guess i have to let go.
all my life people have been walking in and out of it, but she stayed, she forgived me for all my sillyness along the years. she always had my back.even at the worse times, i always knew she would be there...

i guess i fear that she would forget me, she would find new people to hang out with, she would just drift away like how the others did.....